Thursday, 21 June 2012

solstice

It's the longest day today. I love and hate Summer Solstice. It has the feeling of such perfect languidity but here in this part of the world that seems so fragile and transient. I hate that it will pass so quickly. I hate the promise of night closing in, even though we'll not really notice it for sure until September.

Last night I stood at my back door and bathed in the evening light at 10pm. The sky was heavily clouded and I wondered how much brighter it could have been without them, though it felt fine just as it was. There was a rare quality of absolute stillness at that moment. The humans in our neighbourhood were all inside. Being so very English, they all seem to have their windows closed, even on muggy summers' evenings. Only ours are thrown wide open all day and night this time of year. But I noticed the stillness, as it's so rare around here. No birds or insects twittering and buzzing. It was quite monumental.

I had been extraordinarily tired since about midday yesterday and decided to hit the bed a little earlier than usual. Lying there, the blinds wide open, drifting in and out of sleep. Feeling blissfully happy in the pull of Solstice's gentle pulse.

After reading for a while, I slept soundly for about 45 minutes, then awoke. And could not sleep at all. That was it. Just wide awake. For hours.

It's a mixed blessing. I was awake, and feeling blissful. I love the stillness of the night. But only a few hours earlier I was aching with tiredness so much that I was weepy and emotional. Getting through the day yesterday was like running a marathon for me. And lying there at 1 and 2am you can't help thinking that tomorrow is going to be another day ruined by overwhelming lack of energy. I cannot seem to control or predict these rhythms I experience, no matter what or how I try. My mind works overtime, trying to analyze it all. But I get nowhere.

I am on a super-healthy eating regime, which initially gave me a huge burst of energy, so that I seemed to function almost normally for a few days, and then the fatigue crept back in. Now I'm still enjoying many of the benefits of eating well, but it doesn't seem to be doing anything to improve the chronic fatigue. OK, I'll be more patient. I didn't get to having chronic fatigue overnight. It's going to take a while longer to improve.

There are fat wet drops of rain hanging on the underside of the leaves and bushes in my garden this morning. There was a light mist this morning too. Perhaps the sun will fight it's way through to burn it all off later, but it does not feel so promising today.

Taking a break from the last piece, I like it more now. Though I'm still not sure about what it's called.

I have prepped another canvas with some plaster compound, ready to start something new. It is waiting for me on my desk.

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